Without You
by X-Kookie-X
Summary: It's nearly been a year that Gale has struggled to live without Katniss. He's been trying to get over her but there was not one moment of a day of that year where he hasn't thought of her. Yes, his thoughts are painful ... but the consequences of facing their realitly swallows him whole ... -Set after "Mockingjay" by 'Suzanne Collins' - My first fanfic - PLEASE REVIEW!


It's been nearly a year since the rebellion; nearly a year since I've last seen her. I haven't spent one single day of that year without thinking about her, what she might be doing ... with him. There was no second of any day of that year that I have not felt the hollowness of being without her ...

I'm flooded with despair. I know, I guess I should be happy, right? Winning the rebellion and everything. I guess I got what I wanted, well part of it. I guess I can never be truly happy without Katniss. All that time, I hadn't been focusing on the right thing, the thing that would always make me happy. I do regret blocking her out and being angry with her, but it was the only way, the only way that I could stop myself from killing Peeta. I knew he made her happy and that she couldn't bear to look at me anymore if I did it, the way she looks at him, and looks out for him, it was the only way not to do what I wanted ... and it was to do what I did, to the girl who held a space in my heart tightly, my Catnip.

I had never thought I would ever be without her; I guess it's un-imaginable and I'm still suffering the pain of it's consequences. I really miss her, I'm in agony for not coming back to see her or comfort her. But that wouldn't be fair on Peeta. We've already had this discussion; the agreement that Katniss would choose who she couldn't survive without. I haven't heard from them, so I guess they're doing just fine.

I can't stand seeing them together in my head, laughing, looking at the bright sides of the past. I would do anything to rid myself of these thoughts. I guess there's only one way ... since everything reminds me of her.

Every turn, every inch and every corner of my mind is filled with our memories, her laugh, our jokes. We looked out for each other, thought of each other with every move we made to make sure it would help the other. To think all of that is gone is agonizing. I can't stop thinking about the kisses that we shared and how I once thought we would never have a last. I would give anything to see her face again, to tell her everything I'm feeling. But I can't, it's no use. I have to let go of her.

I clutched my grandmother's wedding ring in my hand, and remembered how I was sure to give it away ... give it away to her; to always see it on her finger, as a sign of her love for me, as I've always waited for the day when she would say that she'd return my _'I love you'._ But it's all over now, I knew it was all over, when Peeta regained his memory. Now I'm nothing to her, I wish that I could feel the same way about her, but it's heartbreakingly impossible.

I wish I would have told her when it would have mattered, when there was nothing, no one to break us, when it would have made an impact, a change in our lives today ... when I could've had her. But she didn't think of me in that way ... did she? Besides, I was probably, too in-denial, too shy ... but I don't know why. But now it's too late ... I'm too late.

Now I am no longer 'The Boy with the snares', but a broken one who has nothing left in life; The boy who lost his only love to the capitol ... who have robbed his 'Catnip', his beloved best friend ... and had given him back someone far from the real her, someone who he could only really recognize by appearrance. They had given him back a replacement of the one he loved, someone who looked like his Catnip, with her dark hair, rosy lips, and with eyes that have appeared a dull, dead, grey to him since ... They had replaced her with 'The Girl on Fire', designed to destroy.

My 'Catnip' is broken and there's no way to bring her back. I now have to accept that she is truly and forever _gone._

Then I guess she's doing her job just right; _to destroy_ ... but to the person she once called her best friend, the person who she had trusted with her life, the person that she might've almost loved ... That girl, I can't bring her back.

But I guess 'The capitol' had changed all of us. I can no longer see myself as the boy who had spared the lives of the baby deer in the woods. They've designed me as a hard, ruthless, cruel, cold-hearted person I could hardly recognise as myself; the capitol have made me become_ a monster_.

This treturous pain I'm having just thinking about me without her, I could easily replace with any type of physican pain ... the thrashing of the whip of my back which had kicked me out of conciousness, anything. Because she was there for all those injuries, helping me to recover. But I can't rely on her presence to rid me of pain any longer. She thinks people call her a healer because of her little ability to rid people of physical pain. Yes, she's somewhat able for it ... But I've always thought of her as the person who could rid me of any pain, how she could change my mood by a single smile or the sound of her voice. As long as i knew she was present in my life, I could survive any pain. I need her, more than I could have ever imagined. Now I really understand that You never really know how important what you have is until it's gone. There is only one way to rid me of this kind of pain, the pain of losing her ... for it is surly impossible to let go of her completely. That one and ONLY cure is ... death.

_My name is Gale Hawthorne. I am 20 years old. I have survived the rebellion but yet had failed with love. My love? Her name is Katniss Everdeen. I used to be her best friend. I designed the bomb that killed her sister. She is now with another boy. They're happy together. Most important of all, they are happy without me; SHE is happy without me ..._

Every single image of her comes to my mind as I'm about to hop off the edge of the hovercraft; nightlock in one hand, diary on the other. I felt the cold, Spring wind against my face for the last time ... when I suddenly feel a familiar hand touch my shoulder. And it's not just a hallucination, it's all too familiar. I could almost swear, it was hers ...

_Here it's safe, here it's warm _  
_Here the daisies guard you from every harm _  
_Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true _  
_Here is the place where I love you._

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**_This is my first fanfic and oneshot! The sequel is coming soon so please follow me if you like it :) Please review! :)_**


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